I think I'm going crazy. Slowly... slowly but surely. And I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. When I was a little girl, I thought my Mom acted crazy (no worries Mom, I'm going somewhere with this). She would 'happy' cry at weird times, would randomly give us tight hugs and express her exuberant love... but earlier in the day was screaming at us to "stay out of the bathroom for 20 minutes so I can get ready!"
 |
| How lucky am I?... VERY :) |
Well, now I too find myself going from calm and serene, to crazy in the blink of an eye. And I know why. My perfectionism is coming thru in my parenting. Being a mom puts you in a constant battle to accomplish the impossible. To be sweet and loving, yet firm and consistent. To manage the daily tasks of adulthood, yet make time for play. I am constantly reminding myself to be 'present' and soak in every moment with my children. Wanting to be grateful and aware of their childhood slipping thru my fingers... YET I still want to keep the house clean, do the laundry, go to work, etc. It is an impossible balance. When I keep the house perfect, I spend my day so busy that I go to be feeling as if I forgot to ENJOY Jack and NonaJane. And I feel GUILTY. But if I forgo some of my usual 'chores' and spend extra time soaking in the moments... the house goes to hell in a hand-basket, we're out of underwear, and eating cereal for dinner (well, cereal for dinner is a pretty normal thing around here regardless...but that's not the point) AND I still go to bed GUILTY. If I forget to take pictures of an activity I feel disappointed, but when I experience life from behind the camera lens sometimes I miss out on the moment.
So when you feel like your constantly living on this narrow fence always stepping your foot off to one side or the other, constantly grappling and grasping to climb back up... you realize that you have gone crazy trying to be PERFECT.
 |
| Could NonaJane be ANY FUNNIER in this picture? HAHA |
But you know what Mom, in my eyes you were perfect. Because you Loved me, you cared for me. You were always there. Do I have fond memories of your crazy moments... yes. Will my kids have fond memories of my crazy moments... YES. Because that is who WE are Mom. You and I are two peas in a pod. Two wonderfully, loving, hard-working crazies.
Jack and NonaJane, when you are old enough to read this. Please know that I have gone crazy because I love you so much. Because I try too hard. I expect myself to do everything for you... and will continue to do this for...
"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my babies you'll be" - 'Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch
You are probably wondering who this crazy person is commenting on your blog ( and I requested you as a friend on FB)... Your grandmother, Nona, is my Papa's sister ( Charles Hyatt). Our parents have been talking at Uncle Brook's birthday and Mom told me I needed to read your blog because I would be able to relate, and boy do I ever! I kept laughing at your posts, because we are SO there in the exact same place!! We have 3 little ones, ages 4, 2 ( almost 3) and 1! Enjoyed your blog and look forward to keeping in touch.
ReplyDelete