silent goodbyes

Our home early this Spring

Jack enjoying some of the perks of moving...

Tonight is the last night that I will put my children to bed in this house, and I am feeling a little bit emotional.  Which I really don't like. In general I prefer to run my days, my decisions, and my thought processes on a more rational mode.  All these "lasts" are creating a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.  The kind where you know if you open your mouth to say anything.. that only a flow of ugly tears will come instead.  Case in point: as we left the gym tonight for the last time, I attempted to thank the wonderful ladies who work there for loving on my children and making the gym such a fun and educational environment.

The disarray

Instead I only got out a meager "thank you" as the ladies all hugged and kissed on the kids.  On the drive home I realized I was thankful that we are moving on a Thursday morning… because all my  neighbors will be at work making it easy to escape without facing them for a goodbye.  Not that I wouldn't want to tell them all how much I have loved them, how much their kindness and generosity has meant… but I just don't want them to see these ugly tears.  So if you are reading this.. thank you for all the times you fed our cat, for watching over me from your driveway when I was selling things to strangers off craigslist, for helping me edge my yard when I try to mow for Adam as a surprise, for loving my kids and showing a genuine interest in them, for bringing me cookies and cake when you bake sweets, for loaning me eggs and oil and whatever odd thing I asked for, and for passing down everything from clothes, toys, skis, bikes, books, and costumes for the kids.  Thank you for sharing with me your stories and lives, giving me advice on the children and complementing them as they grow and learn.  I have felt so safe on this street (too safe according to Adam as I rarely if EVER have locked my door).  I am sure you all might miss seeing Adam skiing down the street during the winter snows, or me jogging the streets with the kids in tow.  I'll miss your waves and smiles with every coming and going. But perhaps you won't miss my squeaky car!

The awkwardness of "doing it yourself"

Even though I am only saying these goodbyes in a silent manner.. typing it out on my keys in a quiet room. I some how feel a relief.  I'm ready to be excited and embrace the new.  The new adventure in store for us.  I think we have all made decisions in our life where we worry "was this the right thing to do?" and when road blocks come at us, or when we trip and humbly fall… we worry perhaps these trivial issues are meant to say "your going the wrong way!"  But I doubt this to be true.  Life wouldn't be life without a few hang ups. Some troubling issues along the way.  The stress of big decisions makes you feel alive, makes you feel vulnerable, insecure, and nervous.  At the time it can often feel like the world is crushing down, but looking back it is more clear.  These problems are trivial, these stresses are minor.  Adam and I are thankful for this opportunity, for the ability to make this leap.
So as I say my quiet goodbye's, I look thru my tear filled eyes to an exciting and wide open future.



 Some of the houses from my past.. memories of old!

The house I lived in from 8th grade thru high school graduation

The house I lived in from 3rd grade thru 8th grade

The Bittersweet kind of days

NonaJane spying the cupcakes

The day came and went. The day when NonaJane turned two.  We made a pretty meager approach to celebrating it… mostly because we just had (and HAVE) incredibly too much on our plate.  Not the kind of stuff you can complain about though.  It has been exciting stuff, adventures, emotional roller coasters, opportunities, and craziness.  The kind of crazy where your brain just can't manage it all.  Like when your husband takes an empty lunch box to work.  An empty lunch box does NOT a happy tummy make. Anyhoooo, We spent NonaJane's actual birthday at my parent's lake house in the Ozarks.  It was the official last day, the last hoora, the final gathering at the family cabin.  The decor was gone off the walls, and so was the toilet paper from the bathrooms (but don't worry we packed some).  My parents were finally closing on the lake house, selling it off and closing the chapter.

Mema, Ethan, Luella, Julie and myself

We were blessed with beautiful weather which allowed us to be out on the wave runner, and the kids even swam. I tried to swim.. but swimming in what felt like ice was unpleasant. So I got out. The dock on the other hand was very relaxing.  We brought along some Minnie Mouse cupcakes and a Minnie Mouse doll- to which Nona was delighted.  The biggest hit for her birthday was the DVD of "Frozen" which I believe has played in a continuous loop for 8 days now. "Let it GO!" is what she claims every time she wants to watch it.The guys spent the last evening drinking on the deck, enjoying a lightning storm in the distance. The ladies sat at the table playing a riveting game of rummikub (well… maybe not riveting as we were all yawning and perhaps not devoting quite the attention needed).  It was a bittersweet kind of day. When you can't help but reminisce about the memories made… but not sure if you should feel happy or sad about it.

NonaJane is 2!

Adam said it best 'we are so thankful for the time and wonderful memories we made at the lake. So thankful for the experiences we had, and yet so happy for my parents to be moving on. They have found their dream spot, gathered their dream toys, and don't need to be bothered with the maintenance and costs of the extra home.'  It is hard to be sad when you know just how blessed and lucky you are.  Even in the midst of a crazy month, where the calendar is full on everyday and your brain feels like it can't hold another thought… I can't help but remind myself that all my "problems" all my "stress" is nothing more than a full life.  A life of love, a life of risks and chances.  We complain when things don't go smoothly, but then we are always thankful for it in the end.  So I try to complain less, and be thankful more.  The best books, the best movies, and the best stories always have a complicated plot.  So why not have a complicated life every now and then :)?

NonaJane and I standing on the dock of our new property on Mother's day

 The day after NonaJane's birthday was Mother's day.  The homeowner's of our new place invited us out for their Mother's Day/moving out party!  They enjoyed introducing us to their children and grandchildren who have grown up visiting and playing here.  They told stories of their endless days of fishing, swimming, and exploring- all the magic of a grandparent's home. Stories of when they first bought the land, and built their home.  A bittersweet time for them as well.  Although everyone is happy for their new adventures: retiring and hitting the open road (buying a REAL fancy camper and living in it :))  they too have those intense emotions of saying goodbye to a place they love.  A LOT of memories were made at this home over the past 22 years for them.. and it seems to be promising an exciting future for us as well.

NonaJane, Adam, myself, Jack, Janie, and Jimmy 

NonaJane 'driving' the tractor

Jack 'driving' the tractor

Strange things are happening here

 Strange things are happening around here.  I keep finding Jack's cushioned booster seat discarded to the corner of the kitchen floor, or sometimes hidden in weird places like beside the couch or under a bed.  The step stool that has lived in front of the bathroom for the past two years has taken up residency in my kitchen. Now serving as a tool for Jack to access the cabinets and get his own drink.  Then, last night I heard the exhaust fan running in the master bath. I headed upstairs and sure enough the door was shut. I peeked inside to find my little boy who responded "can you shut the door? I need some privacy."

Jack and Grandpa on his 62nd birthday

Jack's been helping out with potty training his baby sister

"But what about your potty seat, Jack? Don't you need your potty seat?" I replied "NOPE" was his proud response.

Jack on his bike (and I'm thinking his noggin has outgrown the helmet…)

I shut the door, and stood aghast.  What has happened here?  How is it that my son does not need a step stool to wash his hands, a potty seat to keep him from falling in the toilet, or a booster to reach the kitchen table?  When we go outside to the swing set, he doesn't need me to push him… at all.  Did you know he rode his bike a short distance without training wheels for the first time yesterday too? As I tucked him into bed, and he read to ME a bedtime story… I started to feel a little panicked.  "Jack, I don't think you are going to need me anymore!"  But then in his sweet endearing way Jack looked at me and replied "Of course I do Mom! I need you to bake for me, and to tuck me in. I still need you a lot."  His reassuring hug and sincere eyes calmed my nerves. But deep down inside I realized I'm not sure who needs each other more, him or me:)    So much of who I am, and what I do, is being his MOM.  Clearly I realize he is only 4 and to say he would no longer need me is a bit dramatic.  Sometimes it is just a bit hard to keep up with (or accept) the changing roles.

NonaJane is all about riding her "BIKE!" but she can't quite pedal it yet 

The kids' paychecks from their work with Hallmark!