and my heart grew 3 sizes that day

Sweet picture of Jack and NonaJane cuddling for a movie

I don't really make New Year's Resolutions.  At least I can't really remember making one.. so if I did make one I obviously didn't do too well with it.  But this year, I have something laying on my heart.  It's not really a resolution, but a perception that I want to change. My whole life I have always told myself that I was not a giving person.  I am not a consistent tither, I struggle to remember to bring gifts to birthday parties, and wedding/baby showers. (I know that probably sounds absurd.. but is totally true. I cannot tell you how many times I have been going to get in the car and realized "oh, crap! I need a present!"  I have always let this reflect back on myself in a way that made me believe I was selfish, unthoughtful, and generally a crappy friend at times.
But at my ripe age of 30... I think I have finally seen my reflection in a different light.  Perhaps I am not a 'cheerful giver' in many situations.  But recently, I have realized that I do have a heart to give. It just may look a bit different.  In order for me to be a thoughtful giver, it must be sparked from passion.  It has to come from a deep routed want to provide, to love, to support, and to share with others. I do envy those that have the passion to give for no reason at all. However, over the past year, God has placed me in multiple situations where I found myself having an overwhelming desire to give.  I didn't have to force myself, I didn't have to rationalize it, I didn't even have to plead with myself to give.  At one point I even stopped and said out loud "what's gotten into me?"   Then, the other day, in a moment of complete honesty someone described me as being someone with "a massive heart".  I was taken aback. It felt like a scene from the Grinch.  

I had puzzled for three hours until my puzzler was sore. Then I thought of something I hadn't before. Maybe giving doesn't just come in packages and bows. Maybe giving means a bit more! The minute that my heart didn't feel so tight, I released all my guilt of being a poor giver, and realized that I can give. 

God does appreciate my heart, my love, and my way of helping others.  I see the beauty in day to day kindness, and seek opportunities to be kind to others. I value the thoughtfulness of simple consideration, giving compliments, following thru with your word, and being passionate with your actions. There is beauty in truly caring about those around you, and those who you serve.  Those around me that endure struggles and hurt, it impacts me and molds me.  I am thankful for each and every person that God puts into my life.  Particularly the families I meet thru my work. God is molding me year after year. In the past I feel I was quick to judge.  I expected others to share my priorities, to share my expectations, morals, and values. Being realistic, I'm still judgmental, despite great efforts not to be. But I find myself re-thinking situations and realizing their path may be different than mine. I see a lot of hate and ugliness on my facebook newsfeed, and these posts grind at me. They dig under my skin and feel painful. How can people think that their hate and rudeness towards others could actually be a catalyst for change?

 If you know me, you know that I despise the passing of time and frequently try to claw at it to pause or slow down. But perhaps I am seeing one beauty of time passing. God is teaching me and molding me over time. Perhaps God is finding a beauty in me that I didn't know I had. 

So with this New Year, I would like to change the way I see myself. I want to value my ability to impact others.  Does this mean I will be prompt to every birthday party with beautifully wrapped packages... probably not.  But I know, that deep down in my heart, when those around me are in need, when I have an ability to help or support them... that I will. 

P.S.

I would like to apologize to my husband. Sorry that I didn't get you anything for Christmas this year. (some things may never change) But I LOVE you!

I also wanted to share with others that I do let things get messy around here... sometimes