Memories in the Making: Fighting time.. and losing gracefully

Jack pushing NonaJane at our neighborhood park on a lovely summer evening

It's birthday season around here. I will be turning 30 in one week. Adam will be turning 35 on September 5th, and our baby Jack will be turning 4 on September 9th. (Loud depressing sigh)
Though I think that people misinterpret my gloomy approach to birthdays. It isn't the number that bothers me. I don't long to be 21 again... in fact I love where I am in my life. That is the problem. I'm so thankful, happy, and content, that I really don't want things to change. I want to FREEZE time, and I can't. Birthdays are just another reminder of that. You know how people are always trying to tell you "cherish them, they grow up so fast" like I don't know that? Every night I put my babies to bed, and am overcome with a sinking feeling as I shut the door knowing another day is over. That is the honest truth. Why do I do this to myself? I know why, because I LOVE life. I love the gifts that God has placed in my life. I don't want Adam to turn 35, because I want him to stay just how he is now! Will him turning 35 change him... no. Obviously not. But then I will blink and he will be 40, 50 and so on. I can already see myself sitting down and reading this blog post 10 years from now thinking "I remember sitting at our computer typing this. And look at me now, the kids are 11 and 14!" If I could draw myself as a cartoon, it would be me clawing the ground as a giant clock is dragging me through life.

Our first family outing to the driving range

BUT, on the other hand, if time hadn't passed and I hadn't grown up... then I would never of had Jack and NonaJane. This proves to me that, God willing, the future holds wonderful things that I should anticipate and hope for. But the future also brings the unknown.. the fear of something bad happening. It is a fear that at times paralyzes me, and unfortunately seems to come with the role of being 'Mom'. But I do want my children to grow up and have wonderful experiences. I want them to live, to love, to laugh, to have babies and see the world. So if that means that I have to grow old... then I will try to do so with gratefulness in my heart.
Thank you God for this day. I pray that you bless me with tomorrow. I will do my best to live each day, to keep my eyes open to the world around me, and to see the beauty of each stage of life.