Memories in the Making: Scrambling to grasp my memories

Oh blogger... all the ways I have missed you. Clearing my head and solidifying those moments that I never want to let go of. I think writing is so important for me, because I'm notorious for my terrible memory. There is a big part of me that fears that without pictures and stories, that it will all blow away like leaves in the wind. Sometimes as a mother, I feel frantic to capture it all. Take ALL the pictures, remember this date, remember that moment! Then you add more kids to the mix and it all starts mixing together in a torrent of "firsts" and "watch this" and "look at me's". What happens when I can't remember how old they were when they lost their first tooth, or which kid it was that flipped their bike thru the swings of the swing set (that was Jack in case I forget). I'm sure the kids will forgive me- but will I forgive myself? From the moment you get pregnant- the warnings of "watch out it will go by fast" start. Everyone warns you not to miss a moment. Don't look away and cherish every bit- the poop, the screaming, the fits, the messy kitchen and all the laundry... for one day it will be done. Maybe the average person can let those warnings wash over them and move on like a functioning human. But me. I let it all sink in, and at times it takes over. The fear of missing or not appreciating every moment is a real fear! Jack will be turning 8 in September- and the anxiety is already creeping in. 8?! How is that possible? I have these new lines on my forehead, and I don't look as good in my swimsuit. I see pictures on my walls of Adam and I cradling a baby Jack- and I can see how the 8 years has changed all of us. It just happened so.... fast.

Matthew- oh you and your 2 year old self is just hilarious. You answer "yep!" to everything, and you're constantly doing something you shouldn't. You like to keep track of my car keys, and golf cart keys. You keep them in your pocket or hang them on the hook- but no worries you always know where they are. In all honestly I feel more confident with you keeping track of them than me. You ask to drive every time we go anywhere. You seem to be getting more understanding- accepting that you're too young and Mommy has to drive. The debate gets a little old for me, but seems important to you so I try to oblige. You find Dad's tools and try to take everything in the house apart. Everything you pick up is a sword or gun- and I do NOT know where you get this?! You're such a little MAN! You take things apart and your response to every demand is "Why?" You're also the most self-sufficient.. or sneaky... child we have. You use stools and chairs to climb and get your own snacks. One day you came in, got out a gallon bucket of ice cream from the freezer (heavy!) and scooped two bowls to share!(meaning you got out the bowls and spoons on your own!) When I came in you so proudly held out the bowls and cheered "icecreams!!!"

But you also like to eat toothpaste. I hide the toothpaste- put it out of reach. Doesn't matter. You climb up on the counters, lather your toothbrush (and the counters) and brush away. I hear the water running and immediately just KNOW. At night you won't stay in bed. I get really mad. I come in with my crazy face, eyes full of anger, arms flailing and demanding that you get back in bed. Why are you not phased? I'm pretty sure I scare myself more than you. Sometimes Jack and Nona burst out laughing- laughing because Mom looks ridiculous and you manage to pull off some hilarious face or babble off something that no human on earth could resist laughing at. You love to be carried- and demand that I carry you everywhere. I will squeeze you tight little man- and carry you as long as you wish.

You were so brave and excited to get your ears
pierced on your 5th birthday!

NonaJane. You have discovered that you love to sing. Singing the same two lines from Disney's Moana... day in, and day out. You sing over the radio in the car- and never the same song. You sing while you play, you sing and sing and sing. If you're not singing- you're squealing, or screaming, or talking. You're not shy, and you are so sweet and caring to BOTH of your brothers. We can ask you to keep an eye on Matthew, and you DO! Like a hawk. (If we ask Jack- its a guarantee that Matthew will be lost in less than 5 minutes. Jack- where did Matthew go?!! What? He was right here I thought!) You are compassionate- and my little nurse. If anyone has an owie you love to be right there and help bandage it. Matthew scrapes himself up all the time (and doesn't care a bit- too busy to cry) and you will make sure he is tended to. Your teachers said that you were friends to everyone. Even children who were harder to play with- you volunteered to be their partners. They said you had a calming effect, and they were so thankful to have you in class.

Dad and I have decided to let you go to preschool another year versus heading off to Kindergarten. I was assured by everyone who knows you that you would do just fine! But my gut told me to give you another year to be free. Another year to be a child- to imagine and play without demands and structure. I hope my decision is right for you. How I have battled with myself and debated over what to do. I know I will be thankful for the extra year you have at home- the extra year before the pressures of peers and growing up. I want you to always know- I have so much faith in you. I know what you are capable of and I love you so much. NonaJane may this year be a blessing in your life- and always be seen as a gift and a leveraging point for your future.

Jack. One of my favorite things about you right now, is that you remain my cuddliest kid. You love to sit on my lap, and hang on me. I can hear it in your voice that you miss me. You don't want to let go at night when I tuck you in- and I don't want to let go either. I'm so scared that soon you won't do this anymore, and that's a hard fear to face. Every once in awhile you still sneak into my room at night and curl up tight against my back. It makes my heart want to explode. You are getting braver and more and more confident- you do flips off the diving board! You proudly audition for plays and I'm not sure you even get nervous. Uh-oh STORY time! May we never forget the time you streaked naked thru the crowded theater to get to your change of clothes. The shrieks and laughter were unexpected to you- and this was the first time you experienced embarrassment. How my heart broke for you as we drove home and you cried- I knew the feeling was new to you. Your 7 year old heart and mind were racing with trying to understand this emotion. Adam laughed and blamed me for not teaching you more modesty at home. I blame the Root Beer that we let you have between shows. I think your mind and judgement were clouded from exhaustion and sugar! No matter the reason- you're innocence is what stands out to me from that night. And maybe also your laziness, why you didn't just put your costume back on when you realized you had forgot your change of clothes?? !