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| Adam and NonaJane cuddling on the couch to cartoons |
I know I blog a lot about time. How time keeps marching on. It seems to be a prevalent issue in my life right now. I'm stuck in a re-occurring battle with time. So far time is winning, but I am working on coming to grips with it. I am working on coming to a truce, a compromise, a win-win scenario with an unforgiving opponent. Tonight Adam and I went to see a movie and the kids were with Grandma and Grandpa. It was a lovely, calm evening. But the same thing happens anytime we go out without the kids. I thoroughly enjoy myself, yet I always find myself greatly missing the kids on our way home. Realizing how thankful and grateful I am for them. As much as we enjoy going to the theater, or having a nice dinner out... I am thankful for my chaotic usual of eating leftovers off the kids plates, giving baths, and doing laundry as the kids watch episodes of 'Sid the Science kid' on the couch. I assume other mothers get this feeling too, surely I am not alone. So on the way home from the theater, in a moment of feeling sappy I began to talk to Adam AGAIN about wishing I could freeze time. Keep our kids at the ages they are, and stay this way forever. As he tried to rationalize with me and give me a pep talk about how much fun the future is going to be, I had a giant realization. My whole life, I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to turn 5. I couldn't wait for the 3rd grade. I couldn't wait to drive, to be old enough to date, to go to high school, to go to college, to graduate from college, to get a real job, to get married, to buy a house, and to have kids. I couldn't wait. I was always in anticipation. Anticipation is a great thing. A growing excitement in the pit of your stomach. A count down to a dream, a moment, a beginning, an unknown. There was always something I couldn't wait for. Until now. Now I have it. I have exactly what I always couldn't wait for. I have Adam. I have a beautiful home. I have a job I love. I have an amazing boy, a joyous daughter. I have it and I don't want to let it go.
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| Jack and Adam |
I came to this realization, and broke into tears. I am not excited about, nor am I anticipating, the future. I am trying to relish my daily life but my kids grow and change before my eyes. I finally understand why I am stuck clinging to the past and the present while Adam, on the other hand, can dream and anticipate the future. Adam continues to have excitement for the vacations, the experiences and the memories to come. He has it all right. He is looking at the glass half full, and knowing there is more room for joy and love to fill it. Whereas I am looking at the glass as if it has a leak in the bottom, and is being slowly stolen away. My rational side can see this now (as of this very moment) and is realizing that fear of the future will steal away the joy of it. Living in anticipation is not the same as "wishing your life away" which people always warn you not to do. Perhaps instead, living in anticipation is just a healthy way to enjoy the present, and embrace the future. I don't want to look back at my kids life, and realize that I clung so much to things that I was unable to enjoy the 'dance' or the way life plays out.
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| Jack learning how to take selfies on my phone |
I don't think that my realization tonight will 'fix' my emotions. But perhaps the realization will help me understand it all and to make sense of it. Perhaps I will have to remind myself of this often. But here is my note to Jack and Nona... If you look back at me, your mother, and think I was a crazy lady who cried at weird times, hugged you for too long, or lingered by your side too often. Just know, it was because your father and you made my dreams come true. You were and are everything I dreamed, and wished and hoped for my whole life. So it is hard to anticipate the future, when my dreams didn't extend beyond this point. I'm living the dream... and trying to make it last. Don't worry, your father will dream enough for us both. I have no doubt that Adam will continue to take me places I've never been, expose me to things I've never done, and drive me crazy with schemes and plans that put me outside my comfort zone. That is exactly why I married him. I can rest assured that life will remain entertaining... I just don't have to worry about planning it. I'm to a point where I CAN wait. I am happy to wait. I can wait for birthdays, for holidays, for milestones, and life moments. I can wait for tomorrow, and the next day. I have found my patience. I am thankful for this blog, and these pictures. I am thankful for my family, the complexity of life, and the emotions that come with it. Even when they make me cry.
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| The kids and I playing in our recent snow storm |
