I just couldn't wait

Adam and NonaJane cuddling on the couch to cartoons

I know I blog a lot about time. How time keeps marching on. It seems to be a prevalent issue in my life right now.  I'm stuck in a re-occurring battle with time.  So far time is winning, but I am working on coming to grips with it. I am working on coming to a truce, a compromise, a win-win scenario with an unforgiving opponent.  Tonight Adam and I went to see a movie and the kids were with Grandma and Grandpa.  It was a lovely, calm evening. But the same thing happens anytime we go out without the kids.  I thoroughly enjoy myself, yet I always find myself greatly missing the kids on our way home.  Realizing how thankful and grateful I am for them.  As much as we enjoy going to the theater, or having a nice dinner out... I am thankful for my chaotic usual of eating leftovers off the kids plates, giving baths, and doing laundry as the kids watch episodes of 'Sid the Science kid' on the couch. I assume other mothers get this feeling too, surely I am not alone.  So on the way home from the theater, in a moment of feeling sappy I began to talk to Adam AGAIN about wishing I could freeze time.  Keep our kids at the ages they are, and stay this way forever.  As he tried to rationalize with me and give me a pep talk about how much fun the future is going to be, I had a giant realization.  My whole life, I couldn't wait.  I couldn't wait to turn 5. I couldn't wait for the 3rd grade. I couldn't wait to drive, to be old enough to date, to go to high school, to go to college, to graduate from college, to get a real job, to get married, to buy a house, and to have kids.  I couldn't wait.  I was always in anticipation.  Anticipation is a great thing.  A growing excitement in the pit of your stomach. A count down to a dream, a moment, a beginning, an unknown.  There was always something I couldn't wait for. Until now. Now I have it. I have exactly what I always couldn't wait for.  I have Adam. I have a beautiful home.  I have a job I love.  I have an amazing boy, a joyous daughter.  I have it and I don't want to let it go.

Jack and Adam

I came to this realization, and broke into tears.  I am not excited about, nor am I anticipating, the future. I am trying to relish my daily life but my kids grow and change before my eyes.  I finally understand why I am stuck clinging to the past and the present while Adam, on the other hand, can dream and anticipate the future.  Adam continues to have excitement for the vacations, the experiences and the memories to come.  He has it all right. He is looking at the glass half full, and knowing there is more room for joy and love to fill it.  Whereas I am looking at the glass as if it has a leak in the bottom, and is being slowly stolen away.  My rational side can see this now (as of this very moment) and is realizing that fear of the future will steal away the joy of it.  Living in anticipation is not the same as "wishing your life away" which people always warn you not to do. Perhaps instead, living in anticipation is just a healthy way to enjoy the present, and embrace the future.  I don't want to look back at my kids life, and realize that I clung so much to things that I was unable to enjoy the 'dance' or the way life plays out.

Jack learning how to take selfies on my phone

I don't think that my realization tonight will 'fix' my emotions.  But perhaps the realization will help me understand it all and to make sense of it.  Perhaps I will have to remind myself of this often.  But here is my note to Jack and Nona... If you look back at me, your mother, and think I was a crazy lady who cried at weird times, hugged you for too long, or lingered by your side too often.  Just know, it was because your father and you made my dreams come true. You were and are everything I dreamed, and wished and hoped for my whole life.  So it is hard to anticipate the future, when my dreams didn't extend beyond this point. I'm living the dream... and trying to make it last.  Don't worry, your father will dream enough for us both. I have no doubt that Adam will continue to take me places I've never been, expose me to things I've never done, and drive me crazy with schemes and plans that put me outside my comfort zone. That is exactly why I married him. I can rest assured that life will remain entertaining... I just don't have to worry about planning it. I'm to a point where I CAN wait. I am happy to wait. I can wait for birthdays, for holidays, for milestones, and life moments.  I can wait for tomorrow, and the next day.  I have found my patience.  I am thankful for this blog, and these pictures. I am thankful for my family, the complexity of life, and the emotions that come with it.  Even when they make me cry.

The kids and I playing in our recent snow storm

The makeover

I forgot to post pictures of the updated living room!  After much searching thru craigslist for a couch… I became hopeless and purchased a new one. I kept finding people trying to sell couches for MORE than you could buy it for at Nebraska Furniture Mart. Otherwise the couches just seemed dirty or dingy. We did find the coffee table on craigslist though.  I am LOVING the new couch, and have even found some time to sit on it!  It not only looks good, but is very comfy! Is it bad that my couch costed more than my car??? (that's not saying much if you read my last post… ya know the one about the 1,000 dollar car?)  anyhow, it wasn't much more than the car…. but nonetheless seems very weird.

The pictures seem blurry… and I need to make some tie backs for the new curtains.

The wall color comes across strange in this picture too. It really is more of a natural earthy grey color

NonaJane wearing an outfit my mother sewed for me when I was her age!

NonaJane being her usual self… in the cute outfit my mother made :)

Granby Ranch 2014

Trying it all out before the trip

The ski trip has come and gone, in the blink of an eye much like all highly anticipated events.  Adam managed to record nearly 3 hours of video on his GoPro, so he has been re-living the ski trip on his 70 inch mancave TV.  It was Jack's first year skiing in the mountains. He had an interesting level of excitement and fear leading up to the trip.  The unknown factor of the size and speed of the mountain had him nervous. But he knew he should be excited based on the giddiness of Adam! We had been piecing together Jack's ski clothes over the past year or so.. and it definitely turned out AWESOME. He looked like he belonged in the x-games.  We of course had NonaJane suited up from head to toe too.  A nice collection of craigslist, swap-n-shop purchases, and a few new items thrown in.

Snow cuties

       
We headed out bright and early Friday morning, with Kristin shoved in the back seat for good measure.  Kristin likes us enough that we were able to hire her for a small amount to go with us on an expense free work trip :)  We are so GLAD we did!!! Kristin spent her days inside the condo with NonaJane while we were all out skiing.  We were able to take her up the lift to enjoy the view off the scenic path, and we also took her out tubing with us on the last day. NonaJane was happy as a clam every time we came in, and Kristin even cleaned our condo for us more than once while we were all out!  We've already hinted to her that we hope to take her with us on future trips as well!

6:00 AM

First family picture in the mountains

There was a LARGE group of people meeting us at the condos in Granby Ranch Colorado.  13 people (to be exact) would be staying in our two bedroom condo (did I mention that four of them are 4 and under???).  There was us, Adam's brother Ryan, his girlfriend Brooke along with their kids Emma and Zane.  Adam's cousin Luke, his wife Amy and their children Landon and Lauren and of course our babysitter Kristin. 13 people was definitely too many… but without spoiling a story later in this post we'll just say the condo got roomier as the week went on...
 We also planned this trip along with the Ryan and Lohman families whom Adam grew up skiing with.  There was 3 generations of skiers on the slope, and a lot of memories flying around (for them anyways… it was my first time at this resort).   But Adam's first time skiing EVER was at this resort when he was 7, along with his childhood friends the Ryan's and the Lohman's.  It was pretty meaningful for all of them to get to bring their children here for their first time skiing too!

Emma, Adam, myself, and Ryan

The first morning Adam was already taking Jack down green and blue runs with the use of a harness.    Jack was able to turn and direct his skis, he just didn't have the strength or consistency to stop or turn quickly when needed.  Apparently while I was a bit behind skiing with Luke and Amy, Adam had a bit of a momentary slip up and accidentally let go of the harness reigns.  Jack unknowingly took off skiing on his own.  He was doing great... until a pole got in his way.  Luckily it was padded, and so was he.  Other than being disgruntled at Adam for "letting me go!" he was injury free.  Adam modified by wrapping the harnesses around his arms to ensure he could not let go of him again! The rest of the trip was event free for Jack… but not for everyone else in the group :(     (spoiler alert!!!)

Jack leading Adam down the mountain (Adam deserves some props for skiing with that harness… it is NOT as easy as it looks. You have to be able to react fast)

                                                                                                                         

Headed up the ski lift

Midway thru the first day, Adam, myself, Ryan and Brooke ventured over to the black and blue runs to check them out.  Luke and Amy (Adam's cousin and wife) decided to stay on the green runs for some more practice (since it was their first time skiing in the mountains).  Not more than an hour later we received a disturbing phone call and text from Amy stating "Gashed my knee open. Can't stand up. Waiting on ski patrol now to take me down the mountain."  It was definitely a helpless feeling not knowing exactly what the injury entailed, how it happened, nor being able to immediately be at her side.  We skied down and actually ran into the patrol men pulling an empty toboggan behind them. "Did you just help a girl with a gashed knee??"  -"We sure did.   If you know her, she is in the first aid center"

Taking a short break to play in some snowy Aspen trees

and make snow angels :)

I ran on in and sure enough she was sitting there, her leg in a cardboard splint and wrapped in purple bandaging.  She seemed awfully calm and put together… so surely she would just need stitches.  Then her husband showed me a picture of her gory knee… yep.  Stitches wouldn't fix it.  After multiple hours of no pain medication, and shuffling between clinics and cars… she was taken by ambulance to Denver. She spent the rest of our vacation in a hospital bed recovering from surgery.  Can you imagine a stinkier vacation??? It definitely cast a bit of a shadow over the rest of us.  Feeling guilty for skiing on, but not knowing what else we could do. Plus we had extra room in the condo, extra food, but less fun company, bummer! It also added a small bit of paranoia for me… fearing the imminent possibility of injury.  Darn those maternal instincts!  I felt limited to boarding and skiing with caution… guess I will never make it to the x-games!  HAHA! That was never a dream of mine anyhow… but Adam on the other hand…

The four of us on a double tube about to head down… Jack was crying in fear.  But we all survived!

For the first 30 minutes we were the ONLY people on the hill.  Then some of the Ryan family joined us.

We were encouraged seeing how there were children skiing even younger than Jack! We have resolved that next year will be NonaJane's first year in skis, at the ripe age of 2 1/2.  Her daredevil approach to life should treat her well in the mountains.  We have no doubt that Jack will be ready to let go of the harness next year, which is exciting but scary at the same time :)  We will probably skip the tubing next year (because it was really expensive) but definitely think it will be something we do every couple of years.  It was ridiculously fast, and terrifying in a very thrilling way!

We are thankful for the opportunity to go on this trip, we are excited about the fun footage we have of Jack's first time in the mountains to cherish down the road, and are all praying for Amy's quick recovery.  She claims she wants to go with us again next year- because she is crazy and awesome like that!

New Year, New Craziness

The 2008 Vue that I sold...

I'm starting off the New Year with some new wheels.  Well... not exactly NEW wheels.  I kinda did something crazy.  A good friend was selling a family car, and was only asking $1,000.  I didn't need a car, but thought surely she wouldn't have any trouble selling a car for only a $1,000.  I mean really!? That is crazy. Shouldn't we all just drive a $1,000 dollar car? Cheaper insurance, cheaper tags, and who cares if you get a door ding... right?!  Then that night, while laying in bed.. I had a strange and overwhelming thought -"I should buy that car for ME".  Why not?  My car is paid off, I could sell it and save the money!  I kept thinking the crazy

The beauty that I bought !!!

thought would go away... but instead it grew.  Out of curiosity I found myself searching on Craigslist for 1,000 dollar cars. AND, they really don't exist.  They either were wrecked (better term would be mangled), had a 'bad' engine, or were painted purple with flames and topped off with some spinners. This is why people don't drive $1,000 dollar cars.  So, I waited up for Adam and told him my plan.  He wasn't exactly thrilled. Fast forward 11 days, I sold my car and am now a proud owner of my very own 1999 Oldsmobile eighty eight.  In GOLD. with no window tent, tweeters for my only functioning speakers, and a full bench seat thru the front (who would like to be my first front row middle seat rider???)   We did take the car in and have all the fluids replaced, a small leak repaired, and a basic once over.  The mechanic thought my little (more accurately described as BIG) car looked like it was in solid condition!  My brother and Dad felt it necessary to share with me a song by The Bottle Rockets -"1000 Dollar Car".  So apparently this feat of mine has been tried before... and it didn't go so well.  But hey, sometimes you just have to take a little gamble in life.  I've dived in and am taking a risk... I'm crossing my fingers that we get some time out of this car, and that we can use that time wisely to save, invest, and prepare for perhaps a more appealing car down the road :)

Jack really does like this car.. (even though he appears to be hiding from me in the picture)

*funny side note- we spent the weekend up at my parents house. We were poorly prepared for the drastic temperature change between Saturday and Sunday (because as you know I rarely if ever watch the news and am always shocked by the weather).  Anyhoo, on Sunday we decided to head to Nebraska Furniture Mart. We pulled in the lot in the Oldsmobile, in single digit weather, and hopped out with NO coats on us or our children.  All I could figure is that everyone who witnessed this ridiculousness was surely thinking "those poor poor people (literally and figuratively) they can't afford coats?!" Perhaps driving this car will be good for me in more ways than one.

We are also starting out this new year with a fresh face lift inside our house! I gave our kitchen, living room, and entry mud room/hallway, a new coat of paint.  New Year, New COLOR! (you would not believe how dirty walls can get in 5 years.. feeling much cleaner now) I'll post pictures on the finished room after we pick up our furniture on Saturday! Despite the fact that this is an incredibly unflattering picture of myself... I had to post because it is too funny.

Safety First!!!

and my heart grew 3 sizes that day

Sweet picture of Jack and NonaJane cuddling for a movie

I don't really make New Year's Resolutions.  At least I can't really remember making one.. so if I did make one I obviously didn't do too well with it.  But this year, I have something laying on my heart.  It's not really a resolution, but a perception that I want to change. My whole life I have always told myself that I was not a giving person.  I am not a consistent tither, I struggle to remember to bring gifts to birthday parties, and wedding/baby showers. (I know that probably sounds absurd.. but is totally true. I cannot tell you how many times I have been going to get in the car and realized "oh, crap! I need a present!"  I have always let this reflect back on myself in a way that made me believe I was selfish, unthoughtful, and generally a crappy friend at times.
But at my ripe age of 30... I think I have finally seen my reflection in a different light.  Perhaps I am not a 'cheerful giver' in many situations.  But recently, I have realized that I do have a heart to give. It just may look a bit different.  In order for me to be a thoughtful giver, it must be sparked from passion.  It has to come from a deep routed want to provide, to love, to support, and to share with others. I do envy those that have the passion to give for no reason at all. However, over the past year, God has placed me in multiple situations where I found myself having an overwhelming desire to give.  I didn't have to force myself, I didn't have to rationalize it, I didn't even have to plead with myself to give.  At one point I even stopped and said out loud "what's gotten into me?"   Then, the other day, in a moment of complete honesty someone described me as being someone with "a massive heart".  I was taken aback. It felt like a scene from the Grinch.  

I had puzzled for three hours until my puzzler was sore. Then I thought of something I hadn't before. Maybe giving doesn't just come in packages and bows. Maybe giving means a bit more! The minute that my heart didn't feel so tight, I released all my guilt of being a poor giver, and realized that I can give. 

God does appreciate my heart, my love, and my way of helping others.  I see the beauty in day to day kindness, and seek opportunities to be kind to others. I value the thoughtfulness of simple consideration, giving compliments, following thru with your word, and being passionate with your actions. There is beauty in truly caring about those around you, and those who you serve.  Those around me that endure struggles and hurt, it impacts me and molds me.  I am thankful for each and every person that God puts into my life.  Particularly the families I meet thru my work. God is molding me year after year. In the past I feel I was quick to judge.  I expected others to share my priorities, to share my expectations, morals, and values. Being realistic, I'm still judgmental, despite great efforts not to be. But I find myself re-thinking situations and realizing their path may be different than mine. I see a lot of hate and ugliness on my facebook newsfeed, and these posts grind at me. They dig under my skin and feel painful. How can people think that their hate and rudeness towards others could actually be a catalyst for change?

 If you know me, you know that I despise the passing of time and frequently try to claw at it to pause or slow down. But perhaps I am seeing one beauty of time passing. God is teaching me and molding me over time. Perhaps God is finding a beauty in me that I didn't know I had. 

So with this New Year, I would like to change the way I see myself. I want to value my ability to impact others.  Does this mean I will be prompt to every birthday party with beautifully wrapped packages... probably not.  But I know, that deep down in my heart, when those around me are in need, when I have an ability to help or support them... that I will. 

P.S.

I would like to apologize to my husband. Sorry that I didn't get you anything for Christmas this year. (some things may never change) But I LOVE you!

I also wanted to share with others that I do let things get messy around here... sometimes

Christmas Stockings in the nick of time

Two of our Christmas stockings are complete! (with 3 whole days to spare). Without these beauties Santa would have had nowhere to put all my delicious chocolate (and everyone else would have missed out on their coal).

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
(actually scotch tape because I can't find the holders)
and holy moly! those are our thanksgiving pumpkins still in the greenery... oops.  I'll get those out now

We have not embroidered names on them yet. I would like to get the other two done and have them all embroidered at the same time to ensure that they all turn out consistent.  Plus, I'm not sure exactly which one will end up with who. Except for the parachuting Santa. That one is JACK's.  He picked it out on day one (waayyyy back in october), and has been consistent in choosing it ever since.

Jack seeing his stocking complete for the first time :)

My neighbor Connie who is a seamstress did the final stitching and piecing together of the stockings. I wanted to make sure they would last FOREVER.  But every little bead, sequin, stitch, and stuffing was done by hand, by ME.  I know I know.  It was rough. Hours and hours of sitting on my butt, cross-eyed, cussing at the eye of the needle for being SOOO small.  But I stayed motivated by the fact that growing up, the family Christmas stockings were, are, and forever will be treasured pieces.  I'm not sure yet that mine live up to the same standards, but maybe over time they too will earn the badge of holding the Christmas spirit for my family.  Becoming the items that you lovingly pull out of the tissue paper, admire the detail, and carefully place in a row above the fireplace.  Year, after year, after year.  The Christmas decoration that gets you in the holiday spirit, brings back memories, and makes the season bright.
Thank you Bobo for my Christmas stocking, and the motivation to try and pass down the tradition.
Now I feel like Clark Griswald... perhaps putting a bit too much weight on the perfection of a moment. Let's just hope a squirrel doesn't break in and tear them apart.



Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

We got the message

I think God might be trying to talk to me.  I mean, I know God probably talks to me all the time, but this time I think he was blatantly talking to me... and thru my son.  It has happened on 3 occasions, all within a few days.

1: They other day I was at Carter's shopping with Jack. Jack was entertaining himself at the lego table along with another young boy and his mother.  As I was walking by, the mother called out to me and said "Your son just built a cross out of legos, and then proceeded to tell me all about Jesus and how he died on the cross for us!" Meanwhile her son was terrorizing small lego villages and knocking them into oblivion.  I smiled, thought 'where in the world did that come from' and kept on my shopping.  Then Jack asked angelically if he was good enough to go mini-golfing.  Can't say "NO" to mini-golfing when your son just preached the message of Jesus' salvation.
2:  Last night before bed Jack asked "Can we read from my Bible tonight? I would really like to learn about Jesus.  The book to learn about Jesus is the Bible! Right Mom?"  So after 48 pages of the Children's version of the Old Testament I put a book mark in it and called it a night.  Tonight, Jack wanted to pick right back up in the Bible.  Around page 80 I said I thought we ought to call it a night.  He replied "let's keep going till we get to the part where Jesus dies on the cross."  ummm.... I'm not really up for reading the entire bible in one night.  So instead I got to field some pretty intense questions like: "why did the people Hate Jesus, when Jesus LOVED them?"
3: Adam informed me today that while on the way to the gym, Jack stated that he wanted to go back to the church where he got to wear the name tag on his back and eat goldfish. So I'm not sure which he likes more.. learning about Jesus or eating goldfish.  Nevertheless, his message is pretty clear.

OKAY.  So we took a hiatus from church.  Adam was working every weekend in the basement, we got busy, excuse, excuse, excuse.  Our hearts have never stopped loving God (especially Jack) and it has been laid on our hearts to get ourselves back into the Church.  No better time than now!  Especially with Christmas, right?  Think the pastor and congregation will believe that we were on an 8 month missions trip? Ya, probably not.